Mom

She passed away Tuesday nite with my Dad by her side. The family had spent the day with her in her hospice room. We cried, we laughed, we talked, we perused thru old photos...

She waited until we were gone and things were quiet to leave us. She was never one for wanting folks to gawk at her, or cause a scene. She left with her dignity and our love.

She will be missed.

Pics and rides

This evening as I arrived at the barn, Deb and Margaret were just starting up the hill for a ride. They were literally riding into the sunset!

This flowering crab is covered with berries. I guess the birds aren't too hungry yet. By mid winter these will all be gone.

The bumblebee's rear end is barely visible on the top right of this snapdragon. Really just his fluttering wings are exposed. He was quite busy in my garden. Enjoying the warm temps, I guess.

It's been so crazy mild here that one of my Delphinium's bloomed again!

I visited my mom Friday morning. Her condition continues to decline, but she still had lucid moments. She has been quite practical about making her wishes known for a funeral service, songs, and such. Strange conversations that have to be had.

Friday afternoon I finally got to ride. The weather has been extremely mild for us for this time of year. The afternoon was cloudy but warm. Scout came right up to me and lowered his head for the halter and we headed to the barn to tack up. He seemed eager to go, taking the bit as soon as I offered it. I mounted up and he was feeling good. Ears forward, walking forward with energy and intent. His back was free and loose. We trotted, we cantered, we galloped. It was great to be alone with him and just be. I ran into Deb on the trail walking her dog.

We decided to meet back up at the barn and ride together. I worked on sidepass, turn on the haunch and forehand and such in the arena as Deb got Sugar ready. I've been reading "Harmony with Horses" by Ray Hunt. I can only read a bit at a time. I'm continuing to work towards this together "flow feeling" that I started at Mark Rashid's clinic. If I really calm my thoughts, we get some good stuff working, but that has been hard for me lately with all that's happening with the family.
Deb and I had a good ride. We usually do. Sugar and Scout get along well. I got all my gallop ya-yas out in my first ride alone, cus Sugar doesn't deal well going faster than a trot with other horses. But Deb and I do lots of trotting, if we don't get caught up in chatting the whole ride!

Saturday was filled with the boy's soccer games, cooking and attending a hippo therapy fundraising event in the evening. My friend's son went down to Tulsa, OK for the big show in August. It's the first time they've hosted classes for riders with disabilities. Well, her son rode in the first class and won first place!! He got a huge trophy, belt buckle, horse blanket...he's a world champion for his age and ability. ;-0

Sunday morning Stuart trailered over with another gal from his barn and we had a quiet ride.

Another gorgeous day here.

Tomorrow I'm off to see my mom again. I've been working only two days a week so that I can get down to the hospice center during the day. Good for my conscience, but not the pocket book. Horses are expensive, but we'll manage. Obviously mom is the most important thing.

Some ups and downs

Well things have been a roller coaster lately for our family.
My mom found out from her scan at the hospital that cancer had spread to her bone, lung and back to the liver area. Of course, I knew this info deep inside, as I have watched her condition deteriorate since beginning of September. She refused to go for the scan earlier for her own reasons and had said she wouldn't pursue anymore "treatment", so why go for the scan? When her visiting medicare nurse insisted she go to the emergency room, the hospital did the scan at that time.
Her radiologist who had performed her radiation therapy found out she was in the hospital and came to visit her and deliver the test results personally. He was the only doctor involved in her care that gave any hint of a personal bedside manner. Most of the communication from her oncologist was thru his associates and phone calls....very depressing.
Her pain was getting worse by the day and they started her on morphine. Two weeks ago Monday she was moved to a wonderful hospice facility. That first week was stressful. It took a long time to get her dosage right and she was in and out of sleep/stupor all week. When she did wake it was due to pain. She would be aware for a couple seconds and then suddenly revert back in time in her mind. She was confused and memory was not good. She told me she was seeing phantoms flying around the room...and they weren't angels either, she was afraid. Hallucinations.
Finally that Friday and Saturday she slept quietly and comfortably. My dad, my brother and myself took turns staying with her. My father sleeps in her room on the pullout bed at nite. Last Saturday my dad seemed to come to grips about the situation and talked about "making arrangements". Chris and I took the boys to see their grandmother for what we thought was the last time. My youngest son had insisted on seeing her before she passed, my older son wasn't so sure. She was sleeping when we arrived. My younger son asked me what to say to her. I told him to say whaever he wanted. I told him she would hear him. He whispered rather loudly, "You're the best grandma ever! Ever!" He then walked off totally satisfied with himself and set out to find his video game. My older son just sat and looked at her for a very long time. I assured him that he didn't have to say or do anything if he was uncomfortable. He told me he had something to tell her, but was self concious. I told him to whisper it to her. My ten year old son stood up, leaned over his grandmother, cupped his hand to her ear and whispered to her for a good while. That scene was heartwrenching. I was sitting right next to my mom and never heard a word he said. As it should be. Those two are very close and should have some secrets just for each other.
Sunday I begged off of the bedside vigil duty. I had reached my limit emotionally. I vegged on the couch all day and it felt good. Around seven pm the phone rang. It was my dad, mom wants to talk to you. Huh?!?
My mom gets on the phone and says to me, "I heard you were here and I was sleeping. What's going on?" She's speaking clear as a bell, totally coherent. Like I had called her to chat, and she was just calling me back. Wierd and wonderful!!!
She spoke to each of us and when we hung up, my husband and I just stared at each other astonished.
So, Monday morning I saw her. She was very energenic and talkative. Tuesday she had lots of visitors come see her. Today she was still alert, but told me she is feeling weaker.
People have told me this happens. A surge of livliness before the final ending. I don't know if this is what this is, but I am ever so grateful for every day that she is still here with us...as long as she is fairly comfortable. Talk about living in the moment...in the now... I truly understand what that means.
Hug your loved ones, let the little things go, because some stuff really, truly doesn't matter in the big picture. And it skews the wonderful view....

Thanks to everyone....

Heartfelt, and I mean hearfelt, thank you to everyone who has contacted me on and off this blog about our family's situation. Mom is in hospice care as of this past Monday. They are wonderful. She feels safe and we are allowed to come and go as we please. She has only been
coherent for a few seconds at a time the last couple days, but I am so glad I was there and she knew I was there. The pain must be intolerable, she asks for relief every 3 hours or so. And this was a woman who was getting by on 350mg of Tylenol at home previously. She's one tough cookie. To see her wish for it to end is just awful. Some of you know what I am speaking of, the rest of you, I truly hope you never have to witness the suffering.
I'm off to see her now. Take care everyone.
I'll be out of blogland for a while.....

Stress

So I had a darn crappy ride on Scout Sunday late afternoon. Totally my own fault. I was offering crap to him and he gave it right back to me! First, I brought him in alone from the pasture at feeding time, left Joe out to graze a little longer while I rode. They usually come in together. Then, I was in a hurry to ride, so I didn't let Scout eat his bit of pellets/oats that he's used to having at that particular time of day. Heck, I didn't even let him go in his stall to pee or eat the treat that I leave in his and Joe's feed buckets for when they come in for the evening. So inconsiderate of me.
My mind was on my parents, my mother went into the hospital Wed. She is quickly losing her struggle with cancer and I feel helpless and angry with her situation. No one, and I mean no one, deserves the road that she is going down!
So I am really stressed with finding time for home, kids, husband, work and horses. Now driving back and forth 30 miles one way to help out my dad and visit my ailing mom have been added to the mix. And, of course, however I choose those things, I'm never right, it's never enough for somebody. Ugh!!!!!
So stress I brought, and stress I got. Scout actually ground his teeth when I put the saddle on. He pawed the aisle. I ignored all signs and rode anyway. I needed to ride, or so I thought. A little horse time usually soothes all ills. I headed for the grassy hill, he hesitated at least three times. I "told" him to get going. He was not happy. I don't blame him, I didn't want to be with me either!! He spooked, he snorted, he jigged, he broke into a canter. I "told" him to trot with way too much oompf in my hands. He threw his head up and then crow hopped. We could not get calm together. I felt things deteriorating quickly. I felt loose and sloppy in the saddle as he trotted. He "told" me he wanted to go faster. I "told" him to only trot. He "demanded" a canter. After 20minutes I was exhausted mentally and let him go. He galloped off. Usually a gallop is okay, but this was intense. More like fleeing. Ah crap, I thought, can't go this fast, we'll have a wreck for sure. Don't know why I felt that way, we've gone that fast before, but this was a little, well, out of control, shall we say. Maybe cus I felt loose and he was very intent on going, somewhere! He was trying to get away...from me I think. My "requests" for a little self control went unheeded. He probably didn't believe me at this point, why would he? I had mentally abandoned him from the get go. I was bossing him around, there was no conversation between us. Now I wanted one, and it was too late, I had set the tone, now I had to deal with it.
I did something I hardly ever do, a one rein stop. He was going so fast I tried to be very careful about it. He leaned hard to the right and my weight went into my left stirrup hard causing my saddle to slip to the left part way down his left side. I tried to right it with my weight, but he spun and I bailed off.
He immediately stopped and turned his face to me as I stood at his side on the ground. I lightly held the left rein and composed myself. Scout did the same. We stood together for a few minutes on the trail facing away from the direction we had been headed originally.
We both stared straight ahead and then I exhaled. He lowered his head and blew. I cocked a leg, he sighed. And we stood. About 5 mins later I fixed the saddle and thought about leading him back to the barn. We were close to it. But everything between us had changed. I led him to a bird watching stool that was nearby. He walked right up to it as I stood on it to mount.
We walked home on a loose rein at a nice walk. Another lesson learned by me, taught by my horse.

New venture in horsedom

Warning: this post may be sleep inducing to anyone but me. Ramblings and musings to follow:

Last time I wrote, I was pondering how interesting I am to my horse, and trying to figure out ways to keep his thoughts with me consistently in any situation. I believe I am close. When I ride Scout, there is a definite connection and conversation going on. My work at the clinic with Mark Rashid gave me a real kick in the pants as to my expectations of my horse and what I was willing to bring to the table first. Point taken on my end and my partnership with Scout has evolved and solidified. I expect more of him, I have worked hard to prove to him that I will be available to him and he has risen to the challenge ten fold. Worrisome transitions and canter departs are a thing of the past. We just go. Together. We go. I have learned to ask precision in gaits without over thinking it and he responds quite nicely. Side passing down the trail just because we can. Halting, backing, turn on the forehand for direction change for the heck of it on the trail just for fun keeps us tuned into each other. It seems to be working in the saddle. He is happy to go. I am happy to just do and not think so much...that was exhausting. There is a feel now when we ride.

On the ground he is steadier and more polite on a lead. In the stall he is usually aware of me and careful, but sometimes he forgets I'm there and I have to wake him up to my presence. Same thing at liberty. I'm not one to lunge. I mean I did it when I was training him, walk, trot, canter, halt, but now that I'm riding him I haven't lunged him just to do it for months. Maybe that's part of the problem, I don't know. I use a line when I teach him something new obviously like sidepass or backing. He lunges great, stops nicely, steps out at barely a lift of my hand...but lunging just for the sake of lunging, or lunging as part of a preride drill...no, it's not part of my routine. I think I need to deal with him and me in open space and I want to ask him to do something. I can hang out with him in the pasture anytime and he's happy to hang out with me. But his thought is easily distracted at liberty. Sometimes he's great, sometimes not so much, I need to work on the consistency. I have some holes with him, that's apparent. We are not at total trust. Why? Or is that even possible? I think it is, so I'll keep working on it. Hence, my previous round pen whining.

So I'm mulling this over the past few weeks and lo and behold, the book I'm reading, "Be With Your Horse" by Tom Widdiecombe is coming in very handy. I would recommend this book as much as I recommended "A Horse's Thoughts" by Tom Moates. Tom Widdiecombe has a blog that I follow and a website where I found his book. It is really where I am right now. If I could write as well as he, I would be saying a lot of the things he says. I was telling Kate at A Year With Horses how much I was enjoying this book. She told me her daughter Liz stayed with him and his wife in England a while back. Small world! His wife also wrote a book, but I can't seem to find it anywhere in the states.

Here are two of my favorite excerpts from Tom's book:

"Many people have marketed methods and systems of things to do with your horse, and for sure you can get results by following these. You can work your way down the list, and then move on to the next list, and then move up to the next level, and so on and so on. But in the end, the main thing you will learn is that no matter what technique you use, if you are not in the right place within yourself, then the results will not be good as if you were. Your horse knows if you are there with him or not." - Tom Widdiecombe, page 89, "Be With Your Horse"

"In some way feel is experience-but it's not just that, is it? Because there are people who have worked with horses for decades and are no further down the road with the way they do it now than when they first started. There has to be a desire and a need within you you to find it. Maybe feel comes to you if you want it to. I know this is a personal view, nothing more, but from watching good horse trainers I really do believe that finding feel is connected to something within...." - Tom Widdiecombe, page 112, "Be With Your Horse"

Widdiecombe writes alot about a horse being comfortable with you. Able to relax and just "be" in your presence, without pressure, quiet and calm. Horses like to be in that state of mind. I agree! In my 30 some years around horses, I have been told numerous times that "horses like you", or "he goes so well for you". I am basically a quiet person by nature. I would much rather be calm and serene. I loathe drama! It's an energy sucker. I will avoid people who thrive on drama and suck your energy from you. Maybe horses sense this about me. But I am certainly not any kind of super horsewoman. I am an average woman who happens to like to ride. I try to pick my beasts and my battles carefully. I want to come out with success on the other side. I have often failed despite my efforts.

Tom also makes the point that we, as humans, often "up" the pressure too quickly when teaching the horse. Horses need a moment or two to process and figure out what we want. If you can learn to slow down and give the horse a moment to try and figure out what you're requesting, you will get further quicker, than if you keep raising the pressure too quickly. Then the horse hits panic/flight mode and may do what you want inadvertently, but without any finesse or softness. His thought is in "get away" mode, not "this person is intriguing, maybe I can figure this out". One way will build a partnership, the other, just submission with no heart in it. I want the heart in it. I have tried really hard to work slow and steady and quit on the good stuff, even small good stuff. Little steps at a time, but I guess not slow enough, as there are still holes....

I belong to a yahoo e group called "Horsemaninside". It's not very active, but when it is, the advice and discussions are always well thought out and in the horse's best interest. Gail Ivey is the moderator, and a talented horsewoman. Think Ray Hunt, Harry Whitney, Mark Rashid, etc.

She is very good at what she does, thoughtful. Today a woman posted a question on the group email site about her buddysour/insecure horse that needed to be right behind the horse in front of it. The horse jigged, crow hopped, got upset if the horse in front went on ahead.

Gail's answer to the post was this:

"The issue is not about riding on the trail or being with other horses. The issue is that he is not with YOU. His mind is with the other horse, probably most of the time, and not with you. This is only one part of the bigger picture. Until you can get his mind to be with you whenever you ask it to be, things are not going to change for the better for him. It doesn't matter what techniques you apply to change the behavior, he needs to be with you, listening to you, following your direction ANY time you ask, without a struggle, for him to feel good enough to make a lasting change.So, your question should really be, "How do I get this horse with me?"That encompasses the entire relationship you have with the horse.My first suggestion is to get "A Horse's Thought" by Tom Moates and read it cover to cover. It doesn't take long." - Gail Ivey

Some other folks made comments and suggestions on how the horse might be helped with it's troubles, but none of them hit on the fact that Gail did. The horse was not with the rider. No amount of circling, backing, ground driving, etc. would help until the horse felt good about the rider.

I find it less than coincidental that I'm being flooded with this "be with the horse and keep it's thoughts" stuff lately. I believe stuff comes to you when you're ready to be open to it. So I thought I was starting to get some of it, but now I realise, I'll never really "get" it. All I've done is venture into a whole new realm of horsedom. And so the adventure will continue to continue...

Saturday Morning Pics

It was a gorgeous still morning. I took some pics when I let the dogs out. Here's Dash and Ace waiting on the stoop to go back inside. Dash is 10, Ace is 1. They are English Cocker Spaniels. Our house faces what is called the Village Green. There are sugar maples planted down each side of it. This time of year they are in spectacular color for about a week. This is what I saw when I retrieved the newspaper this morning from the front porch.

This view is off of our backyard patio. We have a little lake across the street from us that has lots of birds and fish. We frequently see heron and egrets fishing in front of our house.

The frosts have pretty much killed off all my garden, except for the mighty little snapdragons!

I scatter them thru out my garden and they cross pollinate, so I get lots of funky color combos.

Ace watching the geese on the lake. He loves to chase them off the green into the water. No such luck for him this morning...I have to go to the stable to muck my stalls...no time for geese chasing!

We live in an amazing conservation community. If you'd like to see more visit the community website http://www.prairiecrossing.com/

Happy Weekend!